Why is it so hard to understand that a loved one has died and is gone forever? Why does grief cause so many painful emotions — sadness, anger, blame, guilt, and yearning? Why does grieving take so long?

All of these are questions we ask when faced with death and grief. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers because the loss of a loved one shakes our world and involves various complex factors. In this fascinating book, “The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss,” Mary-Frances O’Connor, PhD delves into the neurobiology of our brains and offers research-based insights into grief.

Dr. O’Connor’s research reveals that our brains become hard-wired when we are constantly in the presence of our loved ones. The firing of neurons and the release of chemicals in response to their presence strengthen our bond and create an expectation of their continued presence. Even after their death, our brains continue to operate as if they are still there. This is why many grieving individuals express feeling like it’s all unreal and expecting their loved ones to return.

As time passes, our brains slowly catch up with the reality that our loved one is gone. This transition can be likened to a withdrawal, where the brain gradually stops producing those chemicals and neurons start firing in new ways. This process is emotionally draining and requires our brains to rewire themselves, which takes a significant amount of time.

However, this book goes beyond merely explaining how grief affects our brains. Dr. O’Connor offers guidance on navigating the creation of our new normal. She posits that grieving is a form of learning – we have to learn how to exist in a world without our loved one and adapt to our brain’s rewiring. As we often advise our grieving clients, you have control over how this new chapter of your life is written and how you perceive it. The Grieving Brain can be a valuable companion on this challenging journey.